Domination/submission
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"The dominant gives
the orders that the submissive must follow. Sounds simple, right? Any
good Republican might say, 'power flows down from the top.' Actually, it
works the other way around in SM. The submissive obeys only because she
chooses to. There is nothing compelling her obedience except her
resolve. The submissive is, therefore, empowering the dominant by her
decision. We call a consensual empowerment of the dominant by the
submissive a power exchange. Just as she gave her consent, she can take
it away at any time. Power in SM flows from the bottom up." Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns |
A relationship based on domination and submission is, for some, a viable alternative to conventional intimacy. It acknowledges what is already present to some degree in all relationships, rather than struggling against it. It is not abusive or exploitative—to be so would violate the fundamental rule of consent. Within the context of a consensual, loving, mutually-fulfilling union, dominants and submissives find their experience to be liberating, finally able to be who they feel they are, rather than what society tells them they should be. Long-term D/s unions are typified by the coming together of emotionally healthy, self-assured, confident, and equal people who willingly exchange some of their personal power for the sake of the intense emotional, physical and even spiritual fulfillment they derive from it (Brame, et al., 1996).
It is about common courtesy, proper etiquette and the old ways that people show respect to authority figures, superiors and peers. While there may be traditions and rituals that are only found in the formal D/s lifestyle, most of them are things found in any formal standards of behavior and manners. To best show the difference in formal lifestyle as opposed to the typical D/s relationship methods, take a look at formal dining as opposed to eating at Burger King. Most people use different manners or etiquette on a picnic than they do at a banquet honoring a dignitary. The food may be just as good at either but the way it is enjoyed or served is quite contradictory.
The formal lifestyle is a 24/7 type of relationship in most cases. You may see scenes at parties or clubs that simulate some of the aspects of the formal style, but they are seldom done by those who live it. The formal lifestyle is marked by a more serious tone to the power exchange between the Dominant and submissive involved and most do not "play" with other partners and choose to socialize rather than party. For some it's a game, for others it's a lifestyle and there is where the biggest differences come into view. A lifestyle is lived, not enjoyed as only a diversion.
D/s is a matter of individual taste and preference. Not everyone wants or needs the rigidity of the formalized lifestyle. For some it may be too restrictive or confining, while others find it comforting and enjoy the structure it provides to their relationship. Most find a combination of the two extremes where they feel comfortable the majority of the time and let their moods set the tone of those special moments.